Hey, are you there?
I'm scared, so scared everything will just blow up in front of me. I said listen. Words of advise won't help me. I said look at me. But I got 'poor attitude', 'wrong priorities'.
I get scared, I blame, I give up, I cover up. On and on every time I lose control it's up to me to put the broken pieces back up. They won't fit. The shards are warping and the wall has shattered.
'Wrong expression', 'Let's discuss this another time', 'Impractical', 'No, you're doing something wrong'. Yet 'be creative', 'don't be such a coward', '-then I'll support you'. The shards are warping, bending back and forth, stretching and flirting back on themselves.
Are you laughing? 'We've had this conversation", "I've heard this a million times." Well so have I, so many times that every time I cry it's almost comforting, lately even nostalgic. So many times I feel habit starting to take its convoluted form,  building its incontrovertible rhythm in myself.
Is it really funny? Well admittedly I've started to laugh at myself too, like how I freaked out and felt like I was drowning the first time I hid in my closet, but then it became comforting, no, it felt safe. I felt safe feeling apart of this universe I was born into! In my closet I scratch myself too, from time to time. I'm not sure if it's to feel alive, or if its just to feel like I have control over something, but it's how I make do.
I casually beat myself up when I speak, because I don't want to set expectations, only to let myself down. Though somewhere deep inside me, I have a screaming passion and defiance, I keep it bottled up. I wouldn't want to disrespect you.
Many have approached me, perhaps trying to find a boost of self-satisfaction. Maybe, they felt it was their responsibility. I used to bleed my heart out to them. But then while their lips were still moving I noticed their empty eyes, and for a moment I felt a tinge of betrayal. I've thought of approaching other people, but when I think about their reactions, I feel like that's foolish.
Yes I am lonely. Let me phrase that better for you. I'm a loner. My thoughts are messed up and I freeze up in front of people. Maybe because I have come to distrust you, but maybe because I realise that every one has a story as deeply rich and complicated as mine, yet deceivingly simplistic at the same time. I'm enthusiastic towards life. I want to live laugh learn cry fail and fall. But some mechanism in me refuses to move. I understand, there's a lot I can do to involve myself with others, if only I wasn't too afraid of it, but I am afraid.
So it has been many words. When I can shamelessly bring myself to say such things, even I don't really see the point in blaming myself anymore. Only you see, you have more power over me than I do myself. I can't override you. You're the part of me that doesn't fit. Should I exorcise you? That's ridiculous. No one would think of losing a part of themselves if they could help it. You see, this has gotten me in a bit of a situation here.
I know my English's bad. Do you think I wouldn't notice? I think the way different languages have their own beauty, playing with grammar has its own. Alas, no I am not against education, in fact knowledge is one of my love and passion.
Look at me. Call me shortsighted. Turn away from me.

Hey, I'm scared.
... Are you there?